It Is Time To Learn How To Speak Directly To Your Cat

January 03, 2017

I'm going to get straight to it because frankly we don't have long. It is time to learn how to speak directly to your cat.

I started these little projects because 1) I need to create and 2) I need to prove to myself I can keep at something. (I cannot keep at anything apart from things I definitely shouldn't keep at.) I haven't yet reached my years of keeping fresh limes in the house and don't need a convertible—it would be impossible to hear the music properly—but last year I definitely got older and I imagine my death bed more and more.

I could tell I was getting older because I was relating to youths at work and suddenly realised perhaps I shouldn't be relating to youths at work. Two reasons. One, I have lived for many years in fear of this image:


And two, I noticed I didn't see people my age as being my age and thus treated them with too much deference. And while I don't have a terrifying jpg for that, I think it's best if I treat people my age as seriously as they deserve to be treated which is barely at all. But forgive me, I have digressed: it is time to learn how to speak directly to your cat.

What I'm trying to say is: I spent last year getting noticeably old, imagining death bed etc, and creating nothing. I can't be on the death bed having created nothing. That is a bad death bed experience for me and the tearful onlookers. Besides that, I need something people can ask me about when they see me at BBQs. It's been years since I had a hobby worth BBQing about. At least now people can ask how @meatcards is going (please follow). My friend had this same problem in London and ended up playing Korfball. I'm not ready to play Korfball.

All I ask is that you stop putting it off. It is time to learn how to speak directly to your cat.

Previously: My Meat Cards