Benny of Suburbia

January 08, 2017

I didn't write anything yesterday. I'd been staying up late a lot of nights trying to get it done and by yesterday I was exhausted and knew I'd be better off catching up on sleep. I don't feel too bad about it. I'm wondering if I need to rethink doing it every day. I'll see how it goes this week when I'm back at work.

I've been thinking a lot about striving. I was talking to a friend on Friday who wants to move out of Sydney because everyone is going too fast trying to be something. He wants the peaceful existence in the suburbs, not trying to be anything in particular.

It's something I thought about a lot last year: could i be satisfied with a quiet suburban family, working 9 to 5, coming home to have something equivalent to a beer that tastes good, mowing the lawn, saving up for a jet ski or whatever. Or will I always have this striving to BE something. To create, have some kind of success either as an artist or in my work as a developer. A lot of people do seem to be wired to be satisfied with that quiet life, my feeling is that I'm not.

I blame twitter for a lot of this feeling. Being involved there in it's early days, and I guess also blogging in the early days of blogging, there was a sense that anyone could become a mini celebrity just doing their schtick. It's one thing to have aspirations of being something when you're younger but approaching the mid-point of life it seems more and more ridiculous and that I have to decide if I'm really going to try and put the work in to achieve anything.

Depression has definitely held me back over the last 15 years, and I haven't been disciplined in working hard at getting better at things I want to be good at. Last year I spent a lot of time learning and picking up more skills for my work and in the course of that hearing more and more from the mini-celebrities in my field, again often created by twitter presence. That ends up bringing me back to this desire to be something. At 37 I still don't know exactly what medium I want to really excel at. But I want to be great at something and this discipline of writing every day is the best thing I can think of right now to make me work hard at something, learn from that experience and hopefully hit on what I can do well.

Previously: Teach a man to be a fish