Being vulnerable on the line

January 23, 2017

Self-esteem is a constant battle.

Over the last year, doing lots of learnings has meant I've started to entertain the possibility that I could be good at my job one day. This is new and good but means I have to cross the mental barrier of "I'm good at this therefore (some kind of responsibility)" where in the past I could just argue to myself that I'm bad at this anyway.

Once I think I could be getting good at something, there is far more opportunity to be discouraged. Every little difficulty dents the confidence and everyone who's ahead of me is proof I've got too far to go.

I was talking to someone who has already turned 40 and he said he didn't have any kind of pre-40 crisis because he was pretty content. WTF. I'm still a few years away and the idea of contentment seems impossible given how much time I've wasted and how much I should have achieved by now.

Last year a friend who had previously wanted to move to London or L.A. to further her artistic career decided to embrace the life of our ancestors and have babies instead. I don't know how to see contentment as anything other than giving up on this striving to achieve. Without even knowing really what I want to achieve.

My experiment of trying to write here and gift the world my meat cards is making me think that generating content every day is not what I want to do, even though I think it's what I want to do. I think I actually want a quieter life where I can disappear, work on something, read a book. But I still want to achieve and create and be mad vulnerable on the line maybe. I don't know. The experiment continues.

Previously: Learnings is a real word people use in meetings